Tips to Save an Unhappy Marriage

Do you often look around you at other couples and wonder how they managed to get it right? What is it that makes other couples stick together when you feel like you are drifting further apart? What can you do about your unhappy marriage?

Of course appearances can be deceptive as no one can ever know exactly what goes on in a marriage other than your own. When you are in an unhappy marriage it is easy to look at others' marriages with rose colored glasses and assume that all is well for them. But the reality is that all couples have disagreements. The secret lies in what they do about their differences - how they handle problems that arise, and whether they use them to wage a campaign against the other or are able to resolve them and move on.

While there is no magic formula for avoiding an unhappy marriage, there are a few things that happily married couples have in common.

. They don't view their spouse as their sparring partner but rather as their partner who is free to make their own choices and decisions. Marriage isn't about controlling your spouse or seeing them as a warring party that needs to be conquered and subdued. Respect is crucial in a marriage - respect for the other person's point of view and for their right to disagree. This is key because what you give out is usually what you will get back. If you respect your spouse then they are more likely to respect you which creates more of an equal partnership rather than one being dominant over the other.

. Don't rehash old wounds when a disagreement arises. Try to focus on the dispute at hand and don't bring the past into it. Always believe that your partner has the best intentions and is disagreeing with you for a reason and not just to annoy you or be difficult. There is no point in bringing up past hurts - nothing can be gained from it and you will only escalate your disagreement further. If you are unable to talk to each other and work through issues, then you need to see whether you actually want the issue to go away. It can be easy to get into a habit of creating drama to put some spark into your relationship.

. Don't ever fight in front of your children. It is ok to disagree in front of them because they need to have a realistic view of relationships and learn through experience how conflicts are resolved. However, if you know that it is an issue which is going to escalate or you can feel it swelling out of control, then take your argument elsewhere. Children see you and your partner as their world, you are the foundation on which their lives are structured. So for children to watch their parent's fighting is deeply disturbing for them and can make them feel insecure and afraid. Let your children be children without involving them in adult concerns.

. They continually find ways to reconnect with each other physically, mentally and emotionally. They make an effort to stay involved and don't separate into their own corners where resentments can grow unchecked.

You don't have to put up with an unhappy marriage or give up altogether. Get marriage help to repair the damage and you will both be richer for it. You may even become one of those couples that others look at with envy.