Having Sex: What Is The Right Amount in a Marriage?

You often see magazine articles asking 'are you getting enough sex?' or 'is your sex life getting you down' as if there is a magic number of times that you need to be having sex in order to be happy. Or perhaps you've read about couples that have sex six times per week and you feel that you're abnormal because you don't. Where do they get the time you wonder. And the energy. And you're almost certain that they can't possibly have any children and work and have that kind of energy. Because sex in a marriage does take effort, it doesn't just happen as spontaneously as it did when you were new lovers.

There is no right formula for the number of times that you should be having sex each week to maintain a loving relationship with your spouse. The length, frequency, and intensity of your lovemaking is an entirely personal need and can't accurately be described in terms of averages. This is especially true for a long term relationship.

This is because life has a habit of intervening to throw any average out the window. You may find that you have more sex when you're on holiday and you have more time to devote to each other. Or if you've gone to stay with family, it maybe less about you and your relationship and more about spending time with others.

Times where work is extra demanding is also when the frequency of sex declines. Not only does longer hours mean that you are more tired but also you are more likely focussed on whatever is happening at work and not as 'available' to each other.

Problems with your children or other family members can also decrease your interest in having sex. Sometimes our problems can seem so overwhelming that it can be difficult to focus back on your body's physical and emotional needs.

At times when you may not feel like having sex or time or circumstances hinder you then it is important to maintain at least some physical connection with each other. It could be a hug as you pass in the hall or a quick kiss as you say goodbye or hello. Keep up the contact and when life settles down again or you work out a way to make time for each other then you can take this physical touch further. Until then, don't feel you have to live up to some ideal which doesn't exist anyway.